My Life Inside Your Heart
by SilentBobina
Summary: During senior year, the South Park kids make plans. Cartman prepares for a wrestling scholarship with the support of his girlfriend, Wendy. Kyle and Bebe struggle to maintain their relationship while Stan struggles with feeling left out. After Kyle wins a National Merit Scholarship, Stan becomes consumed with fear about his best friend's impending departure for college. Style Candy
1. If you think I'm paranoid, that's fine

On a gray, cold, dirty, February day in South Park, Stan's world started to unravel. He sat in the backseat of Cartman's sputtering Oldsmobile with Bebe, Kyle, Wendy, and Cartman. They prattled on to each other about their upcoming double date while Stan stared glumly out the window. It looked the way he felt, like shit, covered in a layer of snow infused with the grimy smog of the city. "Did you hear Stan? Kyle won a national merit scholarship!" Bebe bragged. "I'm so proud of my sweet-ass," she quipped, leaning over to kiss his cheek. Kyle blushed shyly. Stan held back a groan. What kind of pet name was "sweet-ass" anyway? He asked himself. Bebe and Kyle had the most tumultuous relationship ever, and that was saying something considering his own history with Wendy. They were constantly on and off and annoyance possessed Stan anytime they were on. Today was one of those days, but who could say about tomorrow?

"That's great Kyle!" Wendy exclaimed from the front seat. Stan noted her hand entwined with Cartman's on the gear shift. A dull sense of residual jealousy jumped in his chest. He saw Cartman lift his hand and heard the snap of a lighter before a whif of weed smoke smacked him in the face. "Eric! You know I hate that!" Wendy scolded him.

He lowered the window still clutching the joint. "Babe, relax, I'm blowing it out the window," He said sweetly. Stan hated the twinge to his voice, the same one he always got when he was weaseling someone into getting his way.

"Don't call me babe!" Wendy protested, "I am not your property!"

"Well what else am I supposed to call you. Woman?" Cartman prodded. Wendy shouted, offended again, and smacked him on the arm. Stan felt sick from the smoke and all the fake affection surrounding him. Couldn't any of his friends see how they deluded themselves?

Stan turned to Kyle, who was sitting beside him. "So, you got that scholarship?" Stan's heart leaped into his throat as he continued, "What are you going to do with it?" He looked down as he waited for Kyle's response. Kyle was the only one of them worth anything, he thought bitterly.

"Well, I've applied to every ivy league school, so I guess I'll wait and see," Kyle answered nervously.

"Great," Stan grumbled. Hurt flashed across Kyle's face before he turned to stare out the window again. He knew Kyle wanted him to share the joy of his future with him. But he was going to leave. The future he celebrated didn't include him. Stan's mind raced at the thought. How can I feel happy about staying here without him? He hung inside a cloud, waiting for Kyle's acceptance letters, waiting to crash and burn. For the rest of the card ride, Stan tuned out his friends and stared into the void of his fears.

As they neared his house, Kyle asked, "Hey dude, do you still need help with physics?" Stan snapped out of his funk and looked at Kyle.

Really, he looked through Kyle and answered, "I'm not going to pass anyway."

Kyle's eyes scrunched with building frustration. "Well you won't if I don't help you," He snapped. "I'm coming over later. I just need to drop Bebe off." Bebe smiled, mooning over him. She laid her head on his shoulder. He snaked his arm around her waist and smiled. Stan grimaced.

Thankfully, the car stopped. Stan leaped from the seat and slammed the door behind him. He didn't bother to respond. He knew Kyle would appear no matter what he said. The thought brought a smile to his face despite his despair.

Sure enough he appeared shortly after 4 pm. Stan slumped downstairs to the door. Kyle's face tightened at the sight of Stan's haggard appearance. "Dude, you didn't even say goodbye!" He complained. Stan sighed heavily and gestured for Kyle to enter. Kyle glared at him and followed him up the stairs. Stan felt the disappointed frustration vibrating off of Kyle. This mix of emotions seemed to be his only expression lately. Every day Stan drove them closer and closer to the edge of a cliff like a game of chicken. He wondered who would break first.

Kyle sat down and opened his books. Stan didn't even bother to retrieve his. Instead, he sat low in the chair at his desk throwing a football back and forth between his hands. Occasionally he swung back and forth in the chair. Kyle barely contained his angry glower as he talked about physics. "So how do you calculate the force on an object?" Kyle asked.

Stan thought about it and responded, "It's always 9.8." He smiled triumphantly. He remembered something.

Kyle gaped at him. "Dude, that's gravity!" He exclaimed impatiently.

"Well that's a force right?" Stan retorted. He dropped the football as Kyle's eyes hardened. He leaned to pick it up, keeping his eyes locked with his friend's. Kyle intercepted the ball as Stan sat back up. They tussled a minute before Stan gave in. He folded his arms and began to jitter his leg.

"Dude, you're not even trying!" Kyle accused. Stan looked straight through him with a smirk plastered on his face.

"We're done in three months anyway," he grumbled. "None of this shit means anything anyway." Kyle's eyes opened with shock. He stared at Stan for a long minute. Indecision hung in his eyes. Finally, he glowered and stood up, quickly shoveling his books into his bag. Stan's heart began to pound. "Dude, look I'm sorry," he pleaded. He stood and grabbed Kyle's wrist. Kyle's eyes pierced him suspiciously. A fierce anger Stan usually saw reserved for Cartman burned in his deep hazel eyes. "Maybe we can just play some video games and relax. Then we can study," He suggested. Kyle looked at Stan's hand lingering on his wrist. He sighed and his eyes softened. Stan felt his heart slow and he smiled.

Kyle returned the smile hesitantly. "Alright," He conceded. He pulled away and sat his bag back down on Stan's bed. "BUT—" He qualified sternly, "Afterwards we study."

Stan bounced about excitedly, grabbing his iPod player and soda stash to set up for their gaming. "Yeah sure," He responded distractedly. He didn't see Kyle gritting his teeth behind him.

Stan and Kyle settled into the downstairs couch and played the new Terrence and Phillip game, Dick of Truth. They laughed easily as they defeated enemies with different forms of noxious farts. The queef sisters even appeared as bonus characters, expelling lady juices on enemies for double damage. "Man girls are gross," Kyle commented.

"Even Bebe?" Stan teased. He recalled his friend's disgust with girls growing up. While he was trying to kiss Wendy in the tree house, Kyle hoped to make the girls eat bugs. Even though his words hadn't changed, the sentiment rang hollow.

Kyle looked over at Stan with surprise and blushed. "I don't know," He mumbled. "I don't want to talk about her."

Stan's arm brushed against Kyle's and he thought he noticed his cheeks darken further. He giggled nervously, "Dude, relax. I'm kidding."

Kyle sighed. "Sorry, it's just we're not really doing well right now."

"What's new?" Stan scoffed. Kyle looked hurt and went quiet. They sat awkwardly and focused on the game. A strange tension floated between them, undefined.

After what seemed like forever but was likely only a few minutes, Randy entered the front door waving about the mail. "Hey boys!" he greeted them cheerily.

"Hi dad," Stan growled. He knew what his dad was gesticulating about and it made his stomach tie in knots.

"Hi Mr. Marsh," Kyle said politely.

"Guess what showed up today Stanley?" Randy proclaimed. He threw a large envelope onto Stan's lap and stood trembling with excitement. He waited for Stan to open the envelope. Stan only stared disinterestedly at the Red University of Denver logo branded on the front. "Well, aren't you going to open it?" Randy prodded. Kyle looked to Stan. He could tell Kyle was just as curious as his dad about the contents of the envelope.

"I got in," He stated flatly. Kyle and his dad just stared at him. "There's no point in opening it. Even if the envelope didn't give it away, I know I got in. Dad, you work there," He reminded his father. Randy groaned and stormed away angrily.

Kyle still stared at Stan expectantly. "Aren't you happy you got in somewhere?" He asked, puzzled. Stan just stared harder at the game. He would say nothing. "Maybe we should go study again," Kyle suggested. "I mean, you want to get ahead for school."

Stan stood and tossed his controller on the couch when he heard his dad slamming things around and grumbling in the kitchen. "Sure," he responded dully.

After they returned to Stan's room he threw himself onto the bed and closed his eyes. "Dude, what's wrong?" Kyle's voiced mixed with surprise and concern. Stan felt comfort at the kindness. He hadn't heard that softness in his friend's voice in a long time.

"Look," Stan responded. He tried to match his friend's concern without cynicism or negativity tainting his voice. His attempt sounded strained even to his own ears. "I don't have any choice. My grades were too shitty to get a scholarship and DU is free. I have to stay here," He revealed. He hoped that Kyle would feel the same gaping hole open beneath him that Stan had upon this realization. He had clambered to escape that hole since he sent in the application.

"Well maybe if you get your grades up you can get a scholarship and transfer," Kyle advised.

"Dude, just face it, I'm gonna live in this crazy ass shit hole of a hick town my whole life," Stan protested over Kyle.

Kyle let out a frustrated shout. "Your attitude sucks!"

Stan sat up and glared at his friend. He hated the anger on Kyle's face. He felt his eyes rip right through him. That anger was for Cartman, not him. He only wanted smiles. He only wanted them to be downstairs laughing like they had been only twenty minutes before. "Easy for you to say, national merit scholar," he grumbled.

Kyle grabbed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. He headed towards the door, a scowl etched on his face. "Look, I'm showing you that I'm happy for you, why can't you do the same for me?" He left the question hanging in the air as he rushed out the door. Stan considered the question. He felt a darkness growing inside him and it seemed to consume him a little more every time Kyle left his room in a burst of anger. Lately, all they had done was fight. Stan resolved to fix the situation. Yet his doubts and fears about Kyle's impending departure gnawed at the back of his mind. He would get into every school he applied to with that scholarship and none of them were within even 100 miles of the shitty little mountain town of South Park.


	2. Once upon a time I could take anything

Kyle sat outside Bebe's house waiting for her to come downstairs. They had plans to grab dinner and park out by the pond. It had become routine, dull and lacking excitement, but relaxing after his fight with Stan. Kyle tried to shake Stan's negativity but it lingered on him like a fog. He hoped Bebe's bright, smiling face would lighten his mood. Lately though, Bebe had seemed anxious and impatient every time they hung out. He felt another break on the horizon. "Hi sweet-ass!" He heard her exclaim as she popped her head in his window. He snapped out of his daze and stared at her a moment. Her smile erased the doubts circling him.

He kissed her quickly. "Come on! Let's go watch the ice freeze with some burgers," He hurried her with excitement. She bustled into the car beaming with enthusiasm. Her bouncy demeanor caught Kyle so quickly and reminded him of all the things he loved about being with her. Not like Stan at all, he thought. He pressed that worry to the back of his mind as they headed to the drive-thru at McDonalds. He ordered their usual, a two burger meal and an extra soda. They always split the fries and he loved the intimacy of their hands brushing together in the box. It reminded him of the times when he and Stan would trade lunches in elementary school.

They reached Stark's pond and he put the car in neutral. Bebe rested her head on his shoulder and he put on some soft rock that reminded him of his childhood. He enjoyed the nostalgic feeling he got when he heard 90s alternative rock. Counting Crows low in the background, the steam rising as ice formed over the pond, and his girl on his arm, Kyle felt content. Still, he thought about Stan alone in his room or maybe he wasn't alone. He disliked that thought even more. Lately, Stan had been drinking with Kenny a lot. Ever since Cartman and Wendy got together the year before Stan had struggled to find a place and Kenny became his default partner in crime. "What are you thinking about sweet-ass?" Bebe asked calmly. Kyle blushed when he realized how far his thoughts had strayed from this moment. I'm just worried, he assured himself. I'm just being a good friend.

"Nothing," He responded unconvincingly. He sounded weighed down and harried.

Bebe turned to him and ran her hands through his curly mane. His hair only grew wilder with every year. He had given up on hiding it a long time ago but for some reason Bebe loved it. "Well I can take your mind off of that nothing," she flirted giving him a dirty smile.

Kyle drew in an uneasy breath. She kissed him and he slowly returned the kiss, awkwardly holding his hands out before resting them on her thighs. She moved closer to him and grew fiercer with her kisses. He sat still as a stone but kept kissing her. He never knew what to do with his body in these moments. He blushed with embarrassment that she always seemed to mistake for arousal. She slipped her leg across his lap and pressed her body against his. He let his hands fall into his lap. She sighed and sat down. "What's up?" She asked. It always ended this way. Kyle's mood shattered instantly. He felt the microscope opening up over him and she would read his eyes for hints of disinterest and boredom. Really, Kyle simply wasn't sure what to do with Bebe. Her forceful nature excited him but he couldn't seem to keep up.

"I already said it was nothing," He insisted, reaching up to kiss her again.

She held him back with a hand on his chest. "You've been saying that for months," she complained. She furrowed her brow. He wasn't sure if she was angry or concerned. He never knew what was going through her head. Her insecurity made him doubt their relationship every time.

"I mean it," he said uncertainty tainting his voice. All his relationships hinged on his uncertainty lately. Stan frustrated him with his insecurities and apathy and Bebe always assumed his uncertainty was the result of some flaw in her. Really, he needed some space to think. He pressed his fingers to his temples.

Bebe slipped off of his lap and folded her arms. Her voice turned hard. "Take me home," She demanded. Kyle held back tears but he nodded. He drove her home in silence. He turned up the radio to cushion her cutting glare. She looked straight ahead defiantly. Another song made him think about Stan. Carry on my Wayward Son blasted from the speakers and he felt a single tear slip down his cheek. He was thankful for the dark. He remembered the times when Stan used to make him smile like Bebe did on a good day. Apparently today was not a good day, and he ached for the bright, vibrant Stan that had disappeared in the past year. Bebe said nothing as she got out of the car. Once he was alone, the cd in his deck paused in between songs and Kyle broke. He began to sob, unsure why. The tears burnt his face, tears filled with anger and loneliness and the filth of the people he loved infecting his heart.

Kyle returned to the pond alone. He came here alone more often than not these days. The pond reminded him of the best and worst days with Stan. He remembered their adventures meeting aliens but he also remembered the moment that Stan's depression first appeared. After Stan's tenth birthday, Kyle hadn't felt the sharp mourning for their friendship that he had now. Maybe college and the impending distance had changed his perspective. As his departure from South Park grew nearer, he found himself drawn to the bittersweet taste of the icy air nipping off the water.

He thought about Bebe. He barely remembered how their relationship started. One day, she grabbed his ass in the lunch line. He blushed and somehow his embarrassment turned into one date and another, until he was stumbling through a play in which he didn't know his lines. Bebe was his first real girlfriend. Before her, he stayed in most nights studying. Sometimes, he stayed in with Stan. They would lean onto each other on the couch at his house giggling at the most immature toilet humor. The spark between them kept him warm. He felt the same heat with Bebe. When she smiled, he saw the sun that disappeared from Stan's eyes. Now even she was distant and he shivered. He turned up the heat in his car trying to convince himself that it was the Colorado cold.

He saw some shadows out beside the lake. He eventually made out the figures of Stan and Kenny. In the past, he would have bounced out of the car and called to them. They would have sat in the warmth and Kenny would have tried to convince him to partake in some weed and liquor. His stern look would have convinced Stan to follow his lead and pass it up. Now, even in the distance, Kyle knew the two boys were drunk. Their shadows swayed and a bottle hung from Kenny's hand. His temper flared and the impulse to shout possessed him. Instead he but his tongue, gritted his teeth, and turned on the car to head home. He could ignore them and maybe they would disappear.

Outside of his house, Kyle sat in the car and let it idle. He had cried the whole way home and his faced reddened with tears and cold. He could not bear going into his house. His mother would dote with concern and he would grit his teeth. How can you explain to your parents that you've lost all of your friends? He looked towards college with hope and regret. Maybe he should stop trying, he considered, with Bebe, Stan, with all of them.

In the middle of this sinking thought, he heard a tap on the car window. Ike stood there, his head tilted to the side. "Can I join you?" He asked, his voice muffled through the glass. Kyle nodded. Ike was one of the few dependable people in Kyle's life. He smiled as he felt the car shift and looked over into his brother's concerned face. "What's up?" He asked simply.

Kyle exploded. "Stan and I got in a fight and Bebe and I got in a fight I think. I don't know why she gets so upset. I was distracted because I was thinking about Stan and she just wanted to leave. Everyone keeps leaving," He blurted out. He knew he made no sense, that he spoke nonsense.

Ike sighed and looked at him with his lips pursed like he knew a secret about Kyle that the boy was unaware of himself. "What was wrong with what you just said?" Ike asked. Kyle hated it when his brother took on this superior attitude. He talked in riddles and made connections out of air. Kyle often felt like a dunce around him.

Kyle gaped, speechless. After a moment he snapped, "Look are you going to help me or not?"

Ike rolled his eyes like he was speaking to a child. "Ok. What did you and Stan get into a fight about?"

"College," He said.

"And what did you and Bebe get into a fight about?" Ike asked impatiently.

"I'm not sure. I wasn't paying attention," He stated obliviously. Ike shook his head. "What?" Kyle asked suddenly panicked.

"You really need to figure it out on your on," Ike insisted. His sage voice implied a knowledge beyond his years. Kyle sighed with frustration but accepted the rebuke.

"I'm exhausted," Kyle groaned. Ike hummed knowingly as they both got out of the car. Kyle fell asleep the second his head touched the pillow.


End file.
